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Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Grace

May seventh.

Three years ago today, we held our baby Ava in our arms for the last time. It was this day that our hearts felt broken beyond repair, our eyes ran out of tears and our hopes of ever becoming parents seemed less than dismal.

To this day, I don't really even know how we got by losing our second child. We were still recovering from the loss of Ella. Ava was meant to heal us. She was our angel that was going to fill our arms and our hearts and our home with love. From the moment that her soul lifted up to heaven, I only felt pain and emptiness right down to my bones. A feeling that's more than despair. Crumbling. Debilitating. I promised myself that I would never smile again. I was convinced that I would never even begin to think that I could find happiness in anything without a child of my own to love. I truly didn't know what our future had in store for us. I was empty. And so, with a painful heart, I continued to pray. What else did I really have left? It wasn't like it was the very first time that I ever called on God for healing and protection. It wasn't the first time that I cried in vain over losing my baby. It's not like God didn't know the pain that paralyzed our hearts. I needed to tell God that I was angry. How could he take our two daughters to heaven when we needed to love them so badly? And why us? We deserved a baby. Why not the crackheads and the teenagers who don't have an ounce of responsibility or affection for their children? God needed to know that sometimes I just wanted to yell and scream and shake a stick at the entire world and beat my anger out onto anything in my path. How did He let this happen?

I still don't know.

What I do know is that God had a plan. Just when we began to try to pick up the shattered pieces of what was left of our lives, the hope of adopting a baby girl fell into our laps. It was like a dream come true and an answer to our prayers when we got the call that changed our lives. We were going to have a daughter. Elaina was going to be born into our family. She was and continues to be nothing short of a miracle. We had a daughter.

Almost 2 years later, God had yet another miracle in store for us. Just hearing of a baby boy who was about to be born and still in need of a family, our minds trembled with excitement and disbelief. A baby boy for us? Did we really deserve to be this blessed? Our wonderful baby boy, Lincoln filled our arms and our hearts with love and reminded us what a miracle felt like.

It's amazing how God brought us through this journey to parenthood. He turned a once angry and hopeless shell of bitterness into the most proud and fulfilled mother ever. I never thought that one day I would recover from my anger and emptiness to the extent that I have. While I can't say that I don't cry over my babies in heaven (I do) I remind myself that if it weren't for them, we would have never been blessed with Elaina and Lincoln. This can't be explained by mere luck. God allowed us to walk through the fire and not get burned. I didn't know this was possible. I'm not the first to proclaim that all things are possible with God. This is true. And He works miracles. Even for us.

Lincoln turns one today. Our beautiful angel boy who came into our lives and has given us happiness beyond compare. The baby boy that we wanted so desperately, yet felt overly blessed already to ask for more. And without him, our lives wouldn't be nearly so full. Full of smiles and hugs and kissing and cuddling and love. Another miracle to make our lives complete. Fulfilled. Proud.

With this, I send my love to Ava and Ella. I know that they chose Elaina and Lincoln to be their brother and sister in our family and that they can feel our hugs and love through them. I know God works miracles and that He can mend hearts. I know that I will always be the mom to hold her kids tighter and love them a little harder because they are sharing our love with our angels.

Lincoln is one.

2 Welcome Comments:

Kate said...

I didn't think there could be anything worse than losing one child, but I was wrong. Losing two. It's unfathomble. Your faith and the miracle of my niece and nephew have brought us closer to God. A gift to everyone. There's no way we will ever forget our angels, and every day we celebrate with you your amazing Elaina and Lincoln.

Kelsey said...

I know I'm late to comment on this, but I want you to know I have been thinking of you all week.