Wednesday, August 13, 2008


Upon Ava's passing, her NICU nurses and palliative care team had gifted us with a 3D moulded casting of her tiny little feet and her open hand. I consider this to be my very most valuable item in my entire household that I treasure beyond compare. The box that holds my baby's tiny imprints is pink with happy bow-tied, dancing teddy bears and sits on my closet shelf. Elaina knows about this box, where to find it and what it represents.

There will never be a time that I will try to confine or limit either of our kids in talking or thinking or asking about Ella or Ava. Whenever Elaina raises the subject of her angels in heaven or wants to look at their pictures, I am on the edge of my seat wondering how she is processing the information she has to deal with. With the circumstances of how we became a family and what it took to get us to where we are now, Eric and I want to be fully honest and upfront when it comes to talking to our kids. Of course, keeping in mind that there is a fine line of what a 3 year old is capable of understanding in terms of life and death. But we want them to know and understand how God made so many miracles happen in our life and that all of it was according to His plan in His own perfect timing. And just look what we have to show for it all.

This morning, Elaina asked to see Ava's hands. I lifted the big, pink box from the shelf and lifted the thick sheets of tissue paper which have protected her perfect, dainty hand and feet and knelt beside Elaina. She admired them with such love and respect and touching them softly said, "I'm so proud of Ava." I asked what she meant that she was "proud" of her. In the most grown up 3 year old voice, her reply was "because she is so perfect and she gave you this. And Mommy, she's in a heart." Oh.Dear.God.Elaina. Talk about wanting to cry your eyes out. Ava's imprints are cast in the center of a heart shaped mould with fluted edges. Elaina noticed the heart shape for the first time this morning and gave me such insight to what miracles are all about. We talked a little bit about our angels Ava and Ella and I told her that they played together in heaven before they asked God to send her to our house to be our daughter.

Elaina's comments touched my heart like no other. While I'm not sure how she has pieced all of this together in her mind, I know that our babies are with us in everything we do and that we have been blessed to have our angels Elaina and Lincoln to have and to hold and bring the most special joy and love into our hearts and lives. Every single day, no matter how many fussy fits or dramatic attitudes, I am refreshed and renewed just to have the privilege of being a mother. Their mother. A mother when it seemed like the universe and everything it stands for , was against me. And just look at us now. Look what God blessed us with. Whatever depths of understanding Elaina has about how and where her sisters are and how they have touched our lives, I think that she is already on the right track of embracing something so extraordinary and beautiful that it just elates me and gives me a sense that God continues to walk amongst us. Just another reminder that you can never take a single day for granted, you never know what might touch your heart and open your eyes at any given moment.

1 Welcome Comments:

Kelsey said...

I always feel like it is so brave of you to share about this part of your life and history. It is so raw. I think the way you've shared your experience with Elaina is beautiful. I have no doubt your children will grow up knowing how extra special they are to you.