FLASHBACK : 5-19-2005

One year ago today -

Our lives had been turned upside down. Our days were somber and we had very little happiness. Eric and I didn't know where to begin to put the pieces of our shattered lives back together. The only thing I had to look forward to this day was to spend the day at the spa - a Mother's Day gift given to me by my sweet Ava and her wonderful dad. Who, luckily, gave it to me two days early. A day at the spa would be a short term fix to ease some of my stress and temporarily, forget my pain.

Literally 5 minutes before I had to leave the house for the spa, my phone rang. It was the judge that I work for. Oohh, was my mind racing. (Just so you know, it's not common that a judge would be calling me at home.) I wasn't due back to work for almost 2 weeks and was scared as to what may have transpired in the time that I had been off.

Our conversation went something like this :

Judge : Laura, I hope this isn't too soon, but I had to call you. I was at a Christian lawyers luncheon today and I began talking with an attorney who is representing a birthmom wishing to place her baby up for adoption. From the families she has had to choose from, she has asked to see more options. She is requesting a couple who has been married for a number of years, who have college educations (and put an emphasis on education), religious, and stable. Laura, I couldn't get your face out of my face. I felt that he had to have been describing only you and Eric. If you are at all interested in adoption, I would recommend you get in touch with this attorney soon - the birthmom is due June 22 !

Laura : (trembling and sobbing) Absolutely !

I can't tell you how many people sent cards and notes and phone calls after Ava's death and everyone concluded by saying, " You're in our prayers." I often wondered, " If so many people are praying for us, when will the pain go away ? If so many people are praying for us - why does it hurt so bad ? When will we ever find happiness and will we have a baby of our own ?"

After this phone conversation, I knew that God was blowing the cover off his master plan for joy and happiness in our lives. There's no way that this could be a coincidence. I wouldn't believe that God would even let us get wind of this birthmom, if we weren't meant to connect. Not now. Not when we were most fragile, could we handle another major earthquake of hopeless despair.

My mind was racing. I still needed to make my appointment at the spa ! I got myself out the door and frantically called Eric on his cell. By this time, I was just bawling. He made the intial contact with the attorney over the phone ( I was a basket case) and he had asked that we submit a letter about ourselves, like an autobiography - and soon. My stress- free day at the spa was anything but that. Every emotion was pulsing through my body at least 100 miles per hour. Excited, nervous, scared, anxious, happy. Happy ? Did I say "happy ?" Finally, we may have had something to look forward to. I was tiptoeing on the border of happy and emotional meltdown.

The entire time that I was supposed to be enjoying my day of pampering, I prayed that I would have all of the right words as I would sit down this night and write the most compelling letter of my life. Where do you begin to compose a letter about yourself that will be enough to convince a complete stranger that you want her baby more than anything in the world - but not sound desperate and overbearing. I believe that my letter took me nearly 3 hours to complete. I did pour out my heart and soul to this woman in a manner that suggested that our paths have crossed for a reason. I stated that we have each sacrificed our own happiness for what is best for our babies - referring to the loss of Ava of course.

So, year- to- date, I guess that you can tell that God was on our side and that He did hear all of the prayers from our friends and family and our desperate pleas for a child. This day was the first glimmer of hope that has lead us to the most abundant joy that we will ever experience. Still, my heart swells with gratitude for the sweetest blessing we get to hold onto each and every day.

Thanks to everyone for all of your prayers on our behalf and we hope to get so lucky to be blessed with another wonderful miracle !